There are so many things going on in my brain it’s hard to focus on one. I am probably letting work envelop me as to not deal with things but now that I have more alone time I find that I am thinking about many things often. New fears, new aspirations, new jobs, new confusion.
Part of the issue is that I really don’t know what I want in life. I can see myself doing a number of things but I have no idea what would truly make me happy. I would like to hope singing is that thing. As scary as it is to put yourself out there I also know that it feels great when I’m at the park and someone asks if I have a cd or an agent (both I still regretfully don’t ) I wouldn’t mind that being my full time job. I miss singing, especially with people and I think that’s a main issue for me, the fact that I’m alone a lot.
I am trying to handle this and become comfortable with it but I just can’t seem to. I realize that I will most likely be alone for the rest of my life. I’m not trying to be a downer I am being realistic. I know I have family and friends who love me very much and I appreciate that immensely, however I am trying to cope with being a single woman for the rest of my life. Cope isn’t the right word, embody may be better. I respect my aunt and if she were still alive I would ask her so many questions. And I think her insight would be very helpful with everything.
There are things that are fixable add things that aren’t in life but we always wish we can fix what we can’t. I had a feeling for a while that things would be different if -insert situation here- had happened. There are multiple things I could put in that spot and have an answer but the.b again there are things I could put in that space that would still have no resolution.
I guess that’s part of life though. And even with its ups and downs that have seemed way more extreme in the last 6 months, I do enjoy that I have also tried to soak in all the wondrous little joys as well. Making street performer friends, getting a butterfly sticker from a princess in a stroller, finding the Big Dipper in the sky, helping someone learn. So many things my prior self would have seen as minute details are now becoming bold strokes on my life canvas. I like this in my new self.
I have also cried more than I have ever in the last few months. Yes, leaving home was a lot harder than I could have ever anticipated and adjusting to life on my own is something that is still present. However, I am not as ashamed as I normally would be because it means I care. About life and other people, and that is who I am. My tears aren’t always as naive as my small town upbringing but as understanding of my newer and changing world.
So I guess how I can summarize my non stop writing from my current bus seat is not as an angry explosion of emotion, but a self-evolution.
It’s that time of year again.
more than I should
when my focus should be other places.
Lost in thought
of keying strangers cars and the foolishness of the reaction
that you’re not as important as so many others who left before you.
they didn’t choose to.
So that says something about you
Don’t you think??
I can write what I want till I’m blue in the face
but I can’t say a word
I can read until my eyes close in exhaustion
but I can’t say a word
I feel a voice screaming inside my chest
trapped with nowhere to go
Restricted to a section of my soul
which reprimands it to stay put
All ears are closed
so there is no reason to speak
The listening stopped years ago
so my energy is wasted
On me, in me
Weighing me down
with a force that would make gravity envious
Emotions transforms into pain
making my head throb uncontrollably
Trying to escape where it can
leaking out the corners of my eyes
Pulling whats left of my hair out
watching as it falls to the floor
Staring at it lying there
accusatory of its release
I have written time and time again
because I can’t say a word
I must not speak
for it won’t be returned
Wishing that seeing a friendship was as easy as it is on facebook…..
As I read all my past work I feel like I am reading brand new material
With slight pangs of remembrance I find bits of myself
Experiencing things for the first time
Trying to remember the whys and wheres
I thought it would help to align things
As I’m trying to find myself…again
What I need and want
How to achieve it
So I’ve been away from tumblr for a while but have been feeling the need to create and reading some of my past posts makes me want to write more music. Let the inspirations begin! :)
Working with layering this time…….Torn by Natalie Imbruglia
Not sure what I want to call this one yet and it’s a different style from me but wanting some good feedback :)
My cover of Imagine Dragons song Demons…….I’ll be the first to admit the end is sketchy but it was only one take!